on my mind

I've been thinking about something a lot the past few days & feel like I need to get it out of my head.

As I've mentioned a time or two lately, I would love for us to have another baby soon. However, I feel like I'm holding back doing some of the things that could help it happen sooner. {I'm not talking about THAT, though that's a whole other story. I'll spare y'all {namely my family} the details. You're welcome.}

Anyway. I think I've come to the realization recently that I'm scared* to really try for another baby. {* I don't like using the word "scared" because it makes it sound like I don't trust God to take care of me & us. That's not the case at all, but I can't think of another word to use.} When we were trying to get pregnant with Jonathan, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome {PCOS} and that can cause fertility problems. We tried for 3 years before we got pregnant with him and that was a very hard time for me.

I don't think I even realized until just recently how hard it was on me. That's one of the things I'm scared* of. The month after month wondering & hoping. I always felt like I kept everything in perspective pretty well. I completely understand that we can only do so much, and after that it's in God's hands. Though I understood that, I eventually got to a point where I was consumed by the whole process. I'll be honest I'm worried* {again, not a word I like to use} that we'll struggle again.

Another thing I've been thinking a lot about lately is the losses we suffered. We have three babies waiting for us in Heaven. It was so hard before, and I can't even imagine how hard it would be now, knowing what it's like to have a child. Again, I know God is in control, and would still be my Comforter if we did experience another loss, but it's obviously not something I want to happen.

So, I think some of this may be why I'm having a hard time doing some of the things I should. My doctor put me back on Metformin {for the PCOS} several months ago and I rarely take it like I'm supposed to. I know that losing weight would help tremendously and, well, yeah. That's a whole other story too.

I know this turned out to be kind of a rambling {possibly making no sense} post, but I just felt like I needed to get it out of my head for a while.

If you stuck around for the whole thing... thanks.