Tuesday, May 11, 2010

on my mind

I've been thinking about something a lot the past few days & feel like I need to get it out of my head.

As I've mentioned a time or two lately, I would love for us to have another baby soon. However, I feel like I'm holding back doing some of the things that could help it happen sooner. {I'm not talking about THAT, though that's a whole other story. I'll spare y'all {namely my family} the details. You're welcome.}

Anyway. I think I've come to the realization recently that I'm scared* to really try for another baby. {* I don't like using the word "scared" because it makes it sound like I don't trust God to take care of me & us. That's not the case at all, but I can't think of another word to use.} When we were trying to get pregnant with Jonathan, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome {PCOS} and that can cause fertility problems. We tried for 3 years before we got pregnant with him and that was a very hard time for me.

I don't think I even realized until just recently how hard it was on me. That's one of the things I'm scared* of. The month after month wondering & hoping. I always felt like I kept everything in perspective pretty well. I completely understand that we can only do so much, and after that it's in God's hands. Though I understood that, I eventually got to a point where I was consumed by the whole process. I'll be honest I'm worried* {again, not a word I like to use} that we'll struggle again.

Another thing I've been thinking a lot about lately is the losses we suffered. We have three babies waiting for us in Heaven. It was so hard before, and I can't even imagine how hard it would be now, knowing what it's like to have a child. Again, I know God is in control, and would still be my Comforter if we did experience another loss, but it's obviously not something I want to happen.

So, I think some of this may be why I'm having a hard time doing some of the things I should. My doctor put me back on Metformin {for the PCOS} several months ago and I rarely take it like I'm supposed to. I know that losing weight would help tremendously and, well, yeah. That's a whole other story too.

I know this turned out to be kind of a rambling {possibly making no sense} post, but I just felt like I needed to get it out of my head for a while.

If you stuck around for the whole thing... thanks.


floreksa said...

{{{hugs}}} I'm right there with you. 100% on everything, plus I'll toss my own little - "but I finally see the light at the end of the daycare money drain!" too.

I'm so torn.

Anonymous said...

Mist, I do understand, I also have One waiting in heaven that I have never seen or held...YET. But, babe, just let go and let God. Put it all in His Hands, and if you have another Wonderful, and if you do not, We all have a Wonderful Jonathan to be thankful for. Just stop trying and let God do His thing...and just do what you need to do to be healthy.... Love you and am praying for you.

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